By: Brigid Curtis Ayer
Carmel — Forgiveness is something Christians are called to do. When Jesus was asked how often must a person forgive, his answer– “70 times seven.” Scripture scholars do not surmise the answer is 490, but rather that Jesus wants us to forgive a lot, or some suggest, infinitely.
But when a person is wounded by another, sometimes forgiveness doesn’t come easy said Eric Gudan, Ph.D. in Psychology, during a recent, presentation at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel on the topic of Finding Healing Through Forgiveness.
As the presentation title suggests, when a person forgives, they are set free from the mental and physical toll that unforgiveness causes. Gudan, a licensed clinical psychologist and health service provider at Integritas Psychological Services in Indianapolis, said that in therapy, the goal is to remove impediments to having authentic relationships.
Gudan provided a road map for the group to navigate forgiveness including a four-phase model. He said a large part of his work involves helping people forgive others and recover from the wounds they have incurred. Gudan offered a quote to reflect on from Pope Francis.
“I see clearly that the thing the church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and to warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity. I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else. Heal the wounds, heal the wounds…. And you have to start from the ground up.”
“Healing the wounded is hard work,” Gudan said, “We are the church militant and some of the work we have to do is in forgiveness.”
Gudan defined forgiveness this way… People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence. This may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love, to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.
“Mercy is the second name of love,” said Gudan. “The new covenant of mercy calls us to forgive as Jesus did from the cross. Forgiveness requires strength.” Gudan restated a noteworthy quote by social activist Mahatma Gandhi, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”
Forgiveness is a gift to the offender from the person who was harmed. “People love poorly,” he says. “Forgiveness is a moral gift. It takes heavy lifting to forgive.”
Emotional forgiveness is on spectrum explains Gudan. One may want to forgive, but then the emotions take over, and a person gets wrapped up in the emotion. He added people should anticipate ambivalence when working through forgiveness and its important to be patient with ourselves.
Drawing an analogy between hope and forgiveness Gudan said, “Hope is a secure and healthy approach to the future. Forgiveness is a secure and healthy approach to the past.”
Generally, reconciliation is the goal, and the Christian faith calls people to forgive, but said, “Sometimes it’s good not to reconcile.” The reason is to reconcile requires vulnerability and trust, and to risk future harm. Some persons are not trustworthy or may be unable to have authentic relationships.
Gudan uses a four-phase model to help people reach forgiveness. The four phases include: 1) uncovering, 2) decision, 3) work, and 4) deepening.
In the uncovering phase, the goal is to gain insight into whether and how the injustice and subsequent injury have compromised one’s life. “People sometimes want to gloss over the emotions,” said Gudan. “But I suggest dealing with the emotions of where a person is at.” In phase two, an intellection choice must be made to forgive. One may not emotionally “feel” like forgiving, but it’s an intellectual decision. In phase two, a person learns all about forgiveness, what it is, and is not. A decision to commit to forgive based on the understanding of the nature of forgiveness.
In phase three, the work phase, Gudan says the goal is to gain a cognitive understanding of the offender, learn to view the offender and oneself in a new way. It is here where hope begins he says. The last phase, called deepening, Gudan says he helps others find meaning in suffering, and eventually a renewed purpose in life. “People will also feel more connected to others and experience a lessening of negative feelings about the hurt they endured,” he added.
“This life is about learning how to love,” said Gudan. “Life is the practice of being in a perfect relationship with Christ. Christ’s gift of being present with us and maintaining our relationship with him and others. Forgiveness is part of this. Betrayal give us the opportunity to love better.”
Laura Herrera, who attended the presentation said, “I liked how Dr. Gudan defined forgiveness for us to understand it better. He broke it down into the steps and goals of the forgiving process. Like when we have a project to complete, you can’t go to the next step if you’re still working on the ones before.” Herrera said her biggest take away was, “Forgiving is a choice. It’s a gift for ourselves.”